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fuck.

03.17.08 | 02;20

it's not fair.
you can't leave me here.
i wanna be where you are
even if it's 6 feet under.
even if it is in the fiery fucking pits of hell.
lets ride together, slide together
the spiral beckons
downward.
take me down with you.



p.s. watch the movie candy - best movie ever. thx

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white

03.17.08 | 02;18

smeared white powder
snow on the mirror
neat, tidy rails
lines on your face
sallow skin
clammy skin
cold skin
cold heart
bend over to breathe in what seems to give you life
catch a glimpse of yourself in the glass
blink.
blink.
just a glimpse.
ignore the decline; that downward spiral is just a ride
just a s l i d e
on your journey down.
d
o
w
n
into extacy
numb mouth, numb teeth, numb throat
numb brain, numb heart, numb feelings.










won't you take me down with you?

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valentine's

02.15.08 | 12;49

so yesterday i called george for a booty call.
i didn't think he'd even respond but he did.
he let me know that it was just an "as friends" thing, and that he wasn't going to sleep over and might even go out.
i didn't care. i was so sick of that stupid day and so horny and i just wanted to see him. i hadn't seen him in almost a month.
he came over and i was like "let's go upstairs" and he was like "no let's watch this movie, come sit with me"
i was totally shocked because he was being so sweet.
so we cuddle for a while and all of a sudden were making out and he's like "you wanna go upstairs?"
obviously that's what i wanted so we ended up having, probably the best sex we've ever had.
and he was so sweet and loving and i just ended up really getting confused.
honestly, all i wanted was sex...no feelings, no emotions. and he's kissing me and moaning and, wow, i don't know. and when we were done, or at least i thought we were, he went again and holy shit...amazingggg.
and when w were done for real he stayed for a while and then went out.
and i wasn't mad or anything. i was just a bit confused.
we'll see what this weekend has in store...

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appetite for apathy

02.11.08 | 00;45
current poison;: solace for the soulless ; the dangers

Sammy K-LOOKING FOR DRUMMERS/GUITARISTS FOR NEW BAND!!! says: (11:26:31 PM)did u hook up with him?
Sammy K-LOOKING FOR DRUMMERS/GUITARISTS FOR NEW BAND!!! says: (11:26:44 PM)sorry. but i need to no
α η g ε ι ℑ ❤ c κ ; says: (11:27:02 PM):|
α η g ε ι ℑ ❤ c κ ; says: (11:27:05 PM)WHAT
Sammy K-LOOKING FOR DRUMMERS/GUITARISTS FOR NEW BAND!!! says: (11:27:07 PM)i no i no
α η g ε ι ℑ ❤ c κ ; says: (11:27:11 PM)ITS LEVI!
Sammy K-LOOKING FOR DRUMMERS/GUITARISTS FOR NEW BAND!!! says: (11:27:13 PM)ok good
Sammy K-LOOKING FOR DRUMMERS/GUITARISTS FOR NEW BAND!!! says: (11:28:13 PM)ive been really paranoid lately and its freaking me out. i have all these conspiracy theories and i start to believe them, so ive decided just to be completely straight forward about things instead of wondering about them
Sammy K-LOOKING FOR DRUMMERS/GUITARISTS FOR NEW BAND!!! says: (11:28:26 PM)in otherwords ive gone tottally insane

-------

Sammy K-LOOKING FOR DRUMMERS/GUITARISTS FOR NEW BAND!!! says: i dunno. i wanna chill again but not until george is comfortable with it
α η g ε ι ℑ ❤ c κ ; says: (12:08:43 AM)but i seriously do miss you
α η g ε ι ℑ ❤ c κ ; says: (12:08:48 AM)like im really not just saying it
Sammy K-LOOKING FOR DRUMMERS/GUITARISTS FOR NEW BAND!!! says: (12:08:52 AM)i miss u too but shh

spent the night at levi's yesterday.
me and levi and a half gram of snow.
i picked from george. i saw him for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday.
and he looked so sketched out that i was with levi
and now i had a huge, fun convo with sam
and he wants to see me again.
2 out of 3 ain't bad.
too bad i got the most difficult one left to convince.

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so sad

02.04.08 | 22;34
current feelings;: numbnumb

knew it was coming but i wasn't ready for it to be a repeat of patrick - on the phone, random, for no reason.
he wont talk to me. he hates me.
i hate me.
on friday afternoon i took a bunch of gravols. i didn't want to die but figured if it happened, i'd get lucky.
i'm so sad.
i can't function.
i wish i'd just be caught in some crossfire somewhere.
i wish he'd still want me. still care for me.
but that's what you get when you love a drug-addicted rockstar.
i miss him so much
i just want shit to be back to normal
i want to feel good again.
it's like the minute he ended it, i had all these thoughts that i'd silenced just start to scream.
5 hours of exercise.
i feel like shit.
i just want someone to love me. that's a lie. i want him to love me.
i wish i was as tough as everyone thought, but i'm so fragile and so weak.
and oh so very
s
a
d

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